


Here for you no matter what

by imcrapatthiswritingshitbutitry



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Doctor Will, F/M, Gay, Internalised Homophobia, Love, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of self-harm, PTSD, Self-Hatred, angst with comfort, major angst, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24329740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imcrapatthiswritingshitbutitry/pseuds/imcrapatthiswritingshitbutitry
Summary: Will finds out about the extent of Nico's depression and self-harming. A lot of angst, like, a lot, but it'll have a happy ending with some cute fluff at the end. No smut, just kissing.
Relationships: Annabeth Chase/Percy Jackson, Jason Grace/Piper McLean, Nico di Angelo/Will Solace
Comments: 15
Kudos: 178





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: self-hatred, mentions and possibly descriptions of self-harm, mentions of suicide, panic/anxiety attacks. (please let me know if I've missed any) 
> 
> Also, please don't tell me that anything I've written etc is wrong (unless it's factual by the books etc) because I have first-hand experience with everything mentioned above and everyone's experiences are different. 
> 
> We have to remember that Percy Jackson is meant for younger children so Uncle Rick couldn't go into lots of detail about the huge trauma the characters faced, but we can all agree that going through Tartarus and facing monsters etc would cause mountains of trauma and nightmares etc. Especially for Nico - having no friends, feeling alone, being gay and hating himself for it, losing his sister and then going through Tartarus alone, you know.

When Nico woke up that morning, his head was pounding, like a hammer was knocking away at the inside of his skull. He could barely remember the nightmares he'd had last night - they all seemed the same, merging together when he tried to tell them apart - but they'd been bad. He knew that for sure. The tight, almost suffocating sick feeling that had formed in his stomach wasn't going away. If anything, it was getting worst the more he tried _not_ to think about it. His heart was hammering in his chest, but there was nothing he could do to try and calm himself down. 

He got out of bed, staggering and rubbing at his eyes in exhaustion. At least that was one good thing about his cabin being only clad in black: it was good to wake up to. There were no windows, so no blinding light to stream through and kill his eyes when he first woke up. 

Nico stumbled into the bathroom to shower, nearly tripping as he tried to see through his wearily closing eyelids. He had no idea what time it was, but at least he knew it was before breakfast - if he'd missed that, Will Solace, a healer from the Apollo cabin (and also his boyfriend), would have been pummelling on his door, nagging him to eat and going on about all the boring medical reasons that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. 

Once he'd finished in the bathroom, Nico changed into his trademark outfit of black jeans, a black T-shirt and his dark aviator's jacket. When he opened his cabin door, he saw it was much earlier than he previously thought: the sun was just peeking out from behind the hills and trees on the horizon, and it was summer, which made it around five to five thirty in the morning. Nico knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so went back into his cabin. He closed the door behind him, leaning his back against it and standing in silence.

While carefully listening out for anyone the other side of the door, even though at this time, they'd all still be sleeping, he slipped off his jacket and threw it to the side. His left forearm still stung when he moved it too much so he had to be cautious with his movements and he couldn't help recoiling away slightly at the sight. 

Three long red lines jutted harshly across his wrist, their scabs still raised and a strong, striking dark red colour. These gashes were surrounded by lots of smaller, jagged lines; an array of colours - pinks, light and dark reds and some were so faint they were almost invisible. His fingers lightly prodded at the newest additions to his growing collection and he winced, frowning and closing his eyes to stop himself whimpering out loud. 

Nico didn't know how long he stood there for, taking deep breaths and just staring at the marks on his arm. He could barely remember doing it. It was like they just appeared the morning after a bad, sleepless night. Well, they'd be there forever now and he hated that. He hated it. 

He hurriedly picked up his jacket and shoved the sleeve over his arm, ignoring the searing pain, when there was a familiar-sounding knock at his door. A second later, it swung open to reveal the cheerful face of a sixteen-year-old boy, bright blonde curls falling in front of his sky-blue eyes. The new arrival was almost a whole head taller than Nico and, in Nico's opinion, much better looking. He had the body of a surfer, like his dad, Apollo; he was lean and long-limbed with tight and well-defined muscles. Basically, he was hot. Very hot. 

"You coming to breakfast, Neeks?" asked Will, still smiling. 

They'd only be going out for a couple of months, but Nico couldn't hold back the small smile that crept onto his face every time his boyfriend used that nickname. It was an awful name, made no sense and went completely against his whole 'Death Boy' (as the others put it) aesthetic, yet, for some stupid reason, Nico liked it. 

************

Will loved it when Nico smiled. It happened so rarely, especially when they were around others, that he soon learnt to treasure the moments when it did happen, specifically when he was the one who made him smile. He loved knowing he was the one to make him smile like that. Nico also had a huge variety of different smiles that all corresponded to different scenarios. 

Will's favourite out of Nico's smile was the wide, delighted, but almost shy grin he did when he was overjoyed. Will had only seen this smile once before, when the pair had first got together and Chiron had let them go into New York, just the two of them, on a date. Their first date. 

They'd just walked around the city, doing nothing in particular - obviously with their weapons, just in case - then gone for lunch together and, in the shadow of a looming Norway Maple tree in some park, they'd shared their first proper kiss. It had been rushed at first, desperate as they explored each other's mouths, tentative with their tongues, then once Nico had pulled away and Will had eagerly asked to go again, they'd gone slower, their breathing and heart beats quickening with longing and arousal. 

Will smiled even just thinking of that day. Nico's smile had been so pure, so happy, so completely joyful, yet so tentative, like he'd almost been asking permission to be in a good mood. He'd seemed so shy about it afterwards. And Will hated that. He hated that his boyfriend, the boy he loved, was so nervous about his emotions. He understood it, but that didn't mean he had to like it. 

It had taken months to even get permission to kiss him. Nico was always so timid around physical affection and Will understood why, but that didn't stop the nearly overpowering yearning he felt when he was with him. The son of Hades still had bad days. And often too. Days when he struggled to even get out of bed. Days when Will would find him curled up in the shadows, deep in the woods, just staring in silence, face black and devoid of emotion. Days when even just being with Will or thinking about him could cause a tidal wave of self-hatred. 

Every bad day was unique and Will had come to learn that it was best to just ask Nico what he could do. Sometimes he just needed to be alone. Even though Will hated, hated leaving his boyfriend like that, he knew there was nothing he could do, especially when the other boy wouldn't even let him (or anyone else for that matter) come within a few feet of him. 

Will still remembered the day after their first date: one of Nico's worst days ever: 

_He'd opened the Hades cabin door that next morning to see the small, raven-haired boy sitting cross-legged on his coffin-shaped bed. He appeared to be staring into space, but when Will looked longer, he saw the small tear droplets rolling down the other boy's cheeks._

_Frowning worriedly, he'd rushed over to his boyfriend's side, concern etched on his usually cheerful features. He had almost reached out a hand to comfort the other boy, getting just centimetres from Nico's shoulder before the son of Hades had tensed and Will had stopped. If Nico was tensing before Will even had a chance to touch him, then this was bad. Very bad._

_Will didn't know what to do. He hated seeing the boy he loved like this. And he hated that there was nothing he could do even more. He felt a sharp pain at his heart as he stared at the other boy, tears still trickling down his snow-white cheek, yet Nico made no move to wipe them away._

_He didn't like to say it, but Nico looked like he'd stared into the pits of Tartarus. Will felt so hopeless as he watched his boyfriend literally breaking down in front of him, knowing he could do nothing to help._

_"Nico," he'd said, his voice just a pained whisper._

_He was meant to be a doctor, for Gods' sake, and all he could do, while his boyfriend cried, gasping with silent pain was stand and watch helplessly. He felt so much like crying, but held back his panicked tears for the sake of the other boy._

_"Nico, can you look at me?" Will had said, trying to hide the wobble in his strained and anxious voice._

_The son of Hades looked up, his eyes wide, glistening with tears. He was trembling and his breath was quick with trepidation. Will hated seeing that look in his eyes. It almost felt like Nico was scared of him._

_They'd faced situations similar to this before. When Nico had been facing a flashback so bad, so strong he'd found himself literally unable to talk. He'd tried. Will knew he'd tried. He'd seen the desperation in those midnight-black eyes as Nico had tried to answer his questions. Will had soon learnt: yes and no questions or no questions at all._

_"Nico, listen to me," he'd said. "You don't have to say anything. Was it a nightmare?"_

_The other boy nodded ever-so-slightly._

_"Okay." Will knew how to deal with those, at least. He was used to patients in the infirmary suffering with them, especially after the two wars they'd fought._

_"Nico" - saying his name often tended to help, Will had discovered too - "What was it about? The war?"_

_The son of Hades shook his head and Will frowned._

_"Was it the giants?" he'd tried again._

_Nico shook his head again._

_"Neeks... please, talk to me." Will had almost begged, his voice just a whisper, fighting back the tears that so desperately wanted to spill from his eyes._

_The boy breathed in deeply, holding it for a count of six seconds before letting it gush out, like when you let go of a balloon. He'd been using the strategy Will had taught him after his first panic attack._ Will hated that memory too. The feeling of hopelessness seemed to be reoccurring when it came to Nico panicking.

_After several minutes, Nico seemed to be breathing slow enough to speak, though Will noted how avoided his gaze when he did._

_"Mama... she - you were there... she..." he said, still gasping._

_"Nico, can I touch you?"_

_He'd shaken his head vigorously at that, his shoulders and back tensed. Will held up his hands in a placating surrender-like gesture, making sure Nico could see and knew he wouldn't do anything, before stepping closer to the bed._

_"What happened? In the dream?"_

_Nico shook his head again. Will had said nothing. And, after another minute, his boyfriend had spoken, his voice still shaky:_

_"She - she knew about us... and - and Bianca."_

_Will had listened intently, waiting patiently as Nico picked up the courage to elaborate._

_"She called me... disgustoso... and - and un abominio... she - she swore at me... said she hated me... she hates me, Will... I'm disgusting... she - she hates me..."_

_"It wasn't real, Nico," Will had said gently. "Your mother and sister would want you to be happy. They'd want you to be yourself. And, if you're happy with me, they wouldn't have minded. They loved you. They still do. I promise."_

_But he could tell Nico hadn't believed him._

Will still hated remembering that day. He hated that nagging feeling of hopelessness he'd had. He'd known Nico was hurting and there was nothing he could do about it. He'd felt useless. He knew Nico deserved better. Who wants a doctor, a boyfriend who can't even help when you need it? Nico deserved so much more than Will was able to give him and he loathed that feeling. 

************

"Are you all right, Neeks?" Will asked him a couple of minutes after they'd left the Hades' cabin. 

"Yeah, of course," came the reply. 

Will just narrowed his eyes a little suspiciously. He didn't completely believe him, but didn't want to question him too much and pry too far. If he did, Nico would just put up a wall like he always used to. Will tried his hardest to understand and respect his boyfriend's boundaries but sometimes it was difficult when he could physically see how much the other boy was hurting, even if he wouldn't say. 

"It's just..." Will didn't finish what he was saying. His voice trailed away but the concerned look on his face remained. Nico either didn't notice his boyfriend's worry or was ignoring it - Will suspected the latter. 

On the way to the dining pavilion, they passed Jason, Piper, Percy and Annabeth. The four friends were sitting on the steps in front of the Poseidon cabin, just chatting. All were smiling and Percy and Piper were laughing about something.

When Will and Nico passed, Jason gave the latter a knowing look, a small smirk on his lips. Nico flipped him off, shooting him with his famous death glare. Jason's snicker just developed into a smile, completely unaffected. Nico rolled his eyes and Will saw the tiny smirk also playing on his face. 

Jason looked over at Percy who shot Nico an identical knowing look before raising his hands to his mouth to let out a loud wolf whistle directed at the two boys. Nico stuck up his middle finger at them again and when Will looked over, smiling slightly too, a small rosy flush on his cheeks, he saw Piper and Annabeth nudging their boyfriends, probably telling them to shut up. 

When they got to the mess hall - Nico preferred calling it the dining pavilion and Will always teased him, saying it was because he was born decades ago and raised old-fashioned and posh for the first ten years of his life - they split up to sit at their respective tables. 

Just half a minute later, however, Will stood up from his table to talk to Chiron. The rest of his siblings ignored this, already used to the boys' antics and not wanting to get involved - although, they didn't know the two boys were dating. Nobody did except the Seven and a couple of chosen others. 

Nico watched out of the corner of his eye, a small glint of amusement in his shining black irises, as his boyfriend and the centaur talked for a minute. He saw Chiron nodding, but he looked reluctant and seemed to roll his eyes as Will turned his back. 

A second later, Will was sat opposite Nico, a carefree smile on his face, showing his sparkling white teeth. He sat down casually, slouching slightly and leaning on his hand. His eyes glittered as he admired the boy across from him. 

"Stop looking at me like that," said Nico, the tiniest smile on his pale face. 

Will liked that smile too. It was a shy smile and Will almost hated how cute it made the son of Hades look. Needless to say, he didn't stop looking at him. A small flush appeared on Nico's cheeks when he looked up from the table to see the expression on Will's face. The latter grinned and snorted quietly at this. 

"Stop it," said Nico again, his smile widening just a tad. 

Will's grin widened too. He loved it when his boyfriend smiled. Especially when it was broad enough to make dimples. 

"No." 

"You're such a dork." 

"And you're a nerd." 

Nico flipped him off, a spark twinkled in his eyes that shone as black as coal, and Will laughed, rolling his eyes. 

************ 

Nico loved Will's smile. It was gorgeous. No, _he_ was gorgeous. A throbbing pain came from Nico's heart when he thought about it. He couldn't understand how someone this beautiful, this amazing, could ever like him. Why would someone like Will Solace, the literal son of the sun, like him, the kid everyone called 'Death Boy', the kid no one liked, the kid everyone ignored? 

Even now, after months of officially having a boyfriend, nearly whenever the two boys touched, even if it was just a comforting hand on a shoulder, Nico couldn't shake off the nagging, repetitive voice in his brain. He'd squeeze his eyes shut, hold his breath; he'd do anything to shut it up, but it was never gone for long. 

After breakfast, Will invited Nico along to practise archery with the rest of the Apollo cabin. The two of them walked together in a comfortable quiet. Nico's shoulders were tense as he felt Will's eyes on him. The blonde boy was worried about him. He could tell something was up. He always could and that pissed him off - it was getting harder and harder to hide stuff from him. And Nico had always been good at that. 

The pair of boys stood opposite the same target, both holding bows and sharing a quiver of arrows. Will had his own bow; Nico used one from the armoury. The former shot first, his arrow landing just a few millimetres from the centre. 

"Shit!" he said, annoyed. 

"Get over yourself," grumbled Nico. "That's still ten times better than I could do." 

"Yeah, but you're better with a sword. A bow and arrow's meant to be _my_ thing. I'm a son of Apollo, for Gods' sake." 

"Nah, healing's your thing," said Nico as he tried to set up his bow and arrow without using his left arm. He felt Will's eyes on him and decided to try and fight through the stinging pain. "And you're great at it." 

"Are you flirting, di Angelo?" asked Will, his eyebrows raised and smiling, amused. 

"Shut up, Solace." 

The smug smile was still plastered on his boyfriend's face and Nico just rolled his eyes before going back to pulling back the string of his bow with his right hand. As the arrow propelled forward, making a quiet whooshing sound, the bow jolted from the force, moving Nico's arm painfully. He couldn't stop the small yelp that escaped his throat in his surprise. 

"Nico, are you okay?" Will asked him. 

The other boy just nodded then stepped back, allowing Will to step forward and shoot again. Nico watched in awe as his boyfriend set up another arrow and pulled back on the string, shooting and hitting dead-centre with ease. He really was beautiful. 

Nico shot again, still being careful with his arm. He'd learnt his lesson, though, and was prepared for the shaking of the bow. He just gritted his teeth and fought through the pain, forcing his face to mask itself and stop giving his emotions away. He could still feel Will's eyes on him. 

"Okay, guys!" Will called to the rest of his cabin. "Anyone who's ready to shoot, do so, then we're all going to collect our arrows. No firing until everyone's back." 

Two Apollo kids shot arrows at their targets, both hitting the smallest, bright yellow ring in the centre. Will held his hand up, all eyes were on him, mumbling a countdown from five that only Nico could hear. 

When he reached zero, he lowered his hand and called out for them all to collect their arrows. Nico knew Will would want to stand back and watch, so went to get their four arrows from the target. 

He was careful to only use his right arm when pulling them out of the target, leaving his left dangling at his side. The cuts must have been deeper than he'd realised if the pain was still this bad after a couple of days. 

If he was being totally honest with himself, though, he sort of liked the pain. He was ashamed that he did, but it was the truth. He did like it. In a way, it reminded him he was alive. The pain of the cuts was a physical reminder of his pain, forcing him to remember he was living and there would always be pain. But, just like the scars would heal and fade, the pain wouldn't last forever. It would end at some point. It was inevitable. Whether it was with his death or with him finally being happy and content with his life. 

************ 

Will was supposed to be watching his whole cabin, making sure everyone was safe and being sensible around the weapons, but he couldn't stop his eyes from repeatedly flicking back to look at his boyfriend. He frowned when he noticed Nico was only using one hand to yank out the arrows. Will knew it was easier with two so why would the other boy _choose_ to just use one? 

As he made his way back over and started slotting the arrows back into the quiver, Will stepped towards him, preparing to hold up his hands like a surrender if he accidentally made Nico nervous. 

"Neeks," he said tentatively, "are you hurt?" 

Nico's inky black eyes locked on Will's face, like he was daring him to repeat himself. Will could physically see the other boy putting up his barriers and he cursed inwardly at that. He'd hoped Nico would be more open with him after so long together. Four and a half months was long enough for that kind of thing, right? 

"You're avoiding using your left arm," Will stated carefully, watching his boyfriend's expression the whole time. "Are you hurt?" 

"No," said Nico, his face blank. 

Will sighed quietly and said, "I - I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me. Nico, if you're hurt... please, I can help. What is it you don't want me to know?" 

He stepped further forward and reached out a hand. Nico tensed and jumped back, his gaze averting downwards and away from Will's eyes. He turned on the spot, dropped his bow and ran to the nearest shadow. Within just a couple of seconds he was gone. He'd shadow-travelled. 

Will cursed again, fighting inwardly with himself. He couldn't afford to panic now. He closed his eyes and willed himself to get into his doctor's mindset. He couldn't afford to let his emotions cloud his judgement. 

"Right," he whispered to himself, straightening out his back and turning to face his group of siblings. Will was surprised and impressed to see none of them had started shooting without his permission and all eyes were still on him. 

"Okay, guys! Medical emergency - I'm needed elsewhere." Before any of the others could offer their help, he said, "Just me. You guys stay here. Austin and Kayla are in charge. Make me proud." 

With a final grin, he sprinted in the direction of the cabins with one thing on his mind: he _had_ to find Nico. 

Something wasn't right. He could tell. Something about this was not good. He could sense it, maybe it was his doctor-y senses, maybe it was boyfriend related, but he knew something wasn't right. 

On his way, he spotted Percy, Annabeth, Jason and Piper by the lake. They were by themselves, so Will immediately knew it was safe to mention Nico. He wasn't going to tell them everything. He couldn't betray the other boy's trust like that. As he got closer, he could see Jason and Percy were sword-fighting - it was just practising - as the other two watched, cheering for their partners. 

As he approached, Annabeth pointed him out to the others. The boys lowered their swords and they all looked around expectantly. Will was stood in front of them just a second later, panting just a little. 

"Are you all right?" asked Jason. 

Will nodded automatically, frowned, then shook his head. "No. Have any of you seen Nico?" 

Immediately, the atmosphere changed. Jason frowned, concern radiating from his expression. Percy seemed worried too, glancing from Annabeth to Will then Jason before settling on Will. Both Piper and Annabeth had almost identical looks of anxiety, but none of them said anything. 

"Please, have you seen him?" 

"Will, what's happened?" asked Annabeth. 

Will breathed in and looked away, his eyes scanning over the rest of the camp. He was still frowning in worry, his fists clenching and unclenching. His hand ran through his head with the stress before he spoke. 

"Something happened," he began hesitantly. "We didn't fight or anything," he added when he saw Jason's expression, "but... well, he - he got nervous and ran off... I need to find him... I think he's hurt. I'm worried." 

"We haven't seen him," said Piper. "Is he okay?" 

Will shrugged. That same helpless feeling from before was returning. "I - I don't know." 

He could feel his emotional barriers breaking. The walls he'd learnt to build from all his time in the infirmary were slowly crumbling. He fought against it, looking up to stop any tears from falling, his fists clenched and taking deep breaths. 

Annabeth stepped forward. Will took note of the pitying and gently expression on her face as she opened her arms and brought him in for a hug. She rubbed his back comfortingly and smiled gently as she pulled away again. Will also smiled, gratefully. 

"Thanks," he whispered and Annabeth just smiled in response. 

"Do you want us to help look for him?" she asked. 

Will shook his head and thanked her again. "It - it might be private," he said. "You know, something confidential between doctor and patient." 

Annabeth nodded in understanding. 

"If we find him, we'll be sure to find you and let you know," said Jason. 

"Thanks." 

"I'm sure he'll be fine, Will," said Piper. She must have been using some of her charmspeak, whether it was knowingly or not, as he suddenly felt a lot more confident that whatever was upsetting his boyfriend, they'd be able to get through it. 

He thanked them again before jogging off towards the cabins. When he glanced back at the four, he could see they hadn't continued with their sword-fighting. 

The first place he checked was the Hades cabin. But, of course, it wasn't as simple as that. He wasn't there. Will sat on his boyfriend's bed to think for a minute. 

Nico was obviously hiding something from him. But what could it be? And why did he feel like he had to hide it? What could be _that_ bad? Will wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer. 

He closed his eyes to make it easier to concentrate on the thoughts buzzing through his brain: Nico didn't like talking about his feelings, especially not negative ones. He also didn't like people knowing lots about him. He tended to keep to himself. Will also knew, being Head Medic, that Nico was diagnosed with depression, a couple of anxiety disorders and probably would have PTSD too if he was able to get an official diagnosis. 

Will frowned. Maybe... maybe there was something in here that could give him a clue. He didn't want to go through Nico's personal belongings, but he was getting desperately worried about the other boy. 

He looked cautiously through the drawers underneath the bed, but there were just clothes - black, oversized T-shirts and black, ripped jeans. He went over to Nico's wardrobe next and, after pushing aside the couple of jackets he had hanging up, he found a small cardboard shoe box. 

Curiously, Will removed the lid only to find a pair of black trainers. He was about to put the lid back when he realised they were arranged slightly oddly, like they were covering something. He took one out and, they were. 

Underneath was a small, black, A5 notebook and pen. He carefully took it out and flicked open to the first page. 

He'd found Nico's diary.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Will realised Nico's hurt, Nico ran off, Will found Nico's diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions of self-harm, description/strong implications and mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, self-hatred. (If I've missed any please let me know)
> 
> And, if you're struggling with any of the above, please talk to someone and get help if you think you need it. I promise there's always someone who can help.

Nico liked the dark. He felt at home, sitting in the ghostly shadows of the forest. Everything was quiet around him and he felt comfort in knowing he was at least half a mile away from any other people. He could barely hear the noises of the rest of the camp as he sat there, leaning against a tree in the deepest, darkest, most dense part of the forest. The nymphs and dryads kept their distance due to his 'aura of death', as Grover had called it, so he was completely alone. 

He was shivering, but not from the cold, and clutching at his left wrist, despite the pain that shot up his arm every time any pressure was applied. Tears were quickly gathering in his eyes and he was fighting against them. But it was a losing battle. He let them fall. 

************

_She's gone. Bianca's gone. For ever. And it's all Persy's fault. He promised me he wud look after her and he didn't. And now she's gone. She's all I had and Persy broke his promise and I don't know what to do enymore._

The writing was barely legible and had several spelling errors, but Will could just about read it. There were also several splodges where younger-Nico had obviously been crying and the ink had run. 

He must have written this on the day Bianca died. Winter several years ago. Nico had been ten. 

_Nobody likes me here. They think I'm creepy. And Bianca thort I was annoying. That's why she left me to go hunting and that's why she died. Cos I was too annoying and she didnt want to be around me enymore._

_When Persy told me, I was so angry. I cudn't stop the sceletons from going after him. But, I coudn't let them hurt him. Something happend and I cudn't stay after that._

Will felt a pain in his heart just reading what poor ten-year-old-Nico had been feeling. He couldn't even imagine all the pain and misery he'd had to endure when Percy had given the news. And the fact that he thought no one at camp had liked him just made it hurt more. Will wished he could go back in time and be there for the younger version of his boyfriend. 

Maybe, maybe if someone had been there for him all those years ago, Nico wouldn't have ended up so alone. Facing so much trauma and psychological problems all by himself. Maybe, if just one person had been kind to him this would never have happened. Will couldn't help feeling anger towards Percy for not trying to do more, but he knew that was pointless. 

He turned the page. Nico hadn't written again until his birthday in January. Will didn't read that one, instead flicking through the pages until another entry caught his eye: written after the Battle of the Labyrinth. This one was written in Ancient Greek, with no spelling mistakes and much neater writing. 

_Daedalus is dead now. I made sure his soul was safe in the Underworld myself. I think that creeped everyone out and now they seem even more scared of me than they were before. I suppose, that could also be cos I summoned soldiers from the Underworld and everything to help them fight, and literally collapsed with exhaustion at the end._

_If anything, the battle just showed me how much I don't fit in at camp. Percy, Annabeth, Rachel, Grover, Tyson and me spoke with the god Pan before the battle. He spoke to them all separately except me. Every other person, even the damn cyclops, but not me. I can't say I'm surprised. He was a god of nature and I can kill plants and animals just being near them. Hades doesn't fit in at Olympus just like I don't fit in anywhere._

_Percy helped heal me afterwards. His hand was on my chest, feeling my heartbeat - I'm surprised he didn't notice it pounding. It felt good, and I hated that. No, I **hate** it. I shouldn't feel like that. It's gross. I can't help being disgusted at myself for it._

Will couldn't stop the small pang of jealousy at reading Nico's descriptions of the son of Poseidon. 

_I spoke with Percy after the battle too. And when I told him this, he didn't even argue. He asked me to stay, but there's no Hades cabin or table for a reason._

The pain in Will's chest didn't change. If anything, it got worst. If only he could change how Nico had felt. Will knew the other boy would hate his pity, but he couldn't help it. 

_I tricked Percy. My dad imprisoned him and it's my fault. I don't regret it though... okay, maybe a little bit. But dad promised to tell me about my mother if I brought him Percy. I've known anything about my past, I couldn't pass off an opportunity like this. I had to know._

_When I went to see him on his birthday, his mum gave me cakes and ice-cream and they were all nice to me. They were kind and the cake was good. They were actually kind to me._

Will was sure his heart was going to break. He didn't want to read on, but at the same time, he did. It was like when you're reading a story and you know something bad's going to happen, but you want to know what. 

He decided he didn't want to invade his boyfriend's privacy much more, so just flicked through the remaining pages, hoping to find something, anything even remotely positive. 

_They're building a Hades cabin at camp._

_I think I'm finally over Percy. He was never gonna like me back anyway, I know, but I couldn't help it. He still doesn't even like me as a friend._

Will was getting more and more sad as he read snippets. 

_They all think I'm creepy. Again. After the battle and my dad and me helped save Olympus everyone at camp was congratulating me and all that shit._

_It took a lot less time than I thought for them to all realise the truth. It was only a week until they started avoiding me again. I heard them all whispering, calling me freaky. None of them wanted me around._

_I left. Again._

As soon as Will saw the first word of the next entry, he knew Nico's journal was about to get ten times darker. He almost didn't want to read it. 

_Tartarus._

He didn't feel the need to read anymore of that one. 

There wasn't another entry for months and Will remembered Nico had been busy shadow-travelling with Reyna and the Athena Parthenos. The day when he'd turned up at camp as basically a shadow and fallen into some sort of shadow-coma had been one of the worst days of Will's life. 

_I'm confused. Will said he cared about me today._

Will's chest tightened a tad. What had Nico written about him? He wasn't sure if he wanted to know. 

_He actually said the words that he cared about me._

_I was in the infirmary and he kept telling me I had to stay in bed if I actually had any hope of surviving. He was deadly serious._

_And, I'd said something like "no one would care either way", because, well, it's the truth. And, still completely serious, he'd told me he would care. I asked why. And he said because he cared about me._

_I know he'd just said it to make me stay and shut me up, but, for a second, it felt real. Like he actually meant it. It felt good, even though it hurt._

Will remembered that day. He felt another pang in his chest as he read. Nico thought he hadn't meant it, and he had. He really had. He'd meant it so much. 

_He's not leaving me alone. Since that day in the infirmary, he keeps coming to see me. He brought me breakfast this morning. And he stayed while I ate. He talked to me. He stayed and talked to me._

_Oh, shit! This can't happen again. I can't let this all happen again. It's just a repeat of what happened with Percy. I can't let this happen. Shit, shit, shit!_

Will's eyes moved to the top of the page to check this date. It had been written just a few months ago. This must have been just before Nico became even more distant. It had been frustrating at the time as Will had been convinced he was actually starting to get somewhere and then, suddenly, his progress was just reversed. Nico closed himself off all over again. 

_Will is infuriating. He won't leave me alone. I mean, I don't want him to, but he's making it so much harder to not tell him stuff._

Nico had written that a week before the two of them got together. 

_I think I'm dreaming. Seriously, though, Will said he liked me. As in, like-liked me. He literally said the words. He literally said he thought he loved me!! I don't know what to think._

_At first, I thought he was lying. Maybe trying to make fun of me. I thought he was laughing at me. But, Will isn't like that. I don't think he is, anyway._

_We've been officially going out (still in secret cos I just can't tell anyone - I know I'm a coward, but I can't) for just over a week now. We haven't kissed. We haven't even held hands. I can't do it. Whenever I try, I just feel so disgusting. So gross. So wrong for liking a boy. I hate it. I hate it._

The last entry in the book was written three days ago. Will didn't really want to read it. The others had felt like he was learning about someone else. Nico had been so different and so much younger. But this was _his_ Nico. 

But... maybe if it was so recent, it could give him a clue as to what Nico was trying to hide. When Will looked over the entry, he saw it had similar tear drops to the rest very start of the book. 

_I don't deserve Will. He's far too good for me. I know he is. He must know he is too. Why would someone want to date me? Me, of all people? I can't help thinking he's still faking it to mock me. He's so beautiful and hot and, oh gods, he's hot._

Will's cheeks flushed and he tried to suppress a smile. 

_He's drop-dead gorgeous and, compared to him, I'm nothing. I'm less than nothing. Is it possible to be less than nothing? Will deserves so much better than me. I can't even hold his hand for a second without a mental breakdown. I just feel so disgusting. So revolting. And I hate it so much._

_He's a hugging person and I can't give him what he wants. What he needs. I feel so awful. And... I can't help thinking he'd be better off without me. He'd be better - the whole camp would be better - if I just didn't exist anymore._

_I've thought about it, but I don't think I can do it. I don't even have the courage to get rid of myself for everyone. I know that's what they want. How can it not be? But, I've seen what happens afterwards and I'm not a good enough person to end up anywhere nice. I'm not even close to being a good person. How can I be when I can't even pick up the courage to die? It would help everyone around me. Maybe... I don't even know!_

Will was frozen. Did Nico really believe all this? He couldn't really think all this was true, could he? Oh, gods, he did think it. Will could barely breathe, staring in horror at the scribbled-on page in front of him. 

He _had_ to find Nico.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you spot any mistakes, please let me know. This was relatively rushed cos I'm looking forward to writing the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finds Nico. Promise there'll finally be some happiness (and fluff) for the two boys. 
> 
> This might be kinda long, compared to the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: same as previous chapters.

Will hid the notebook back in the shoe box where he'd found it before closing the wardrobe. He checked over the rest of the cabin then looked through the bathroom, clinging onto the tiniest slither of hope that he wouldn't find anything suggesting what he was starting suspect. He froze, again, when he saw the silvery glint of metal in the bin. 

It was a blade. Only a small one, from a pencil sharpener or something like that. Will crouched down and carefully, after only the smallest hesitation, picked it up. He hated thinking what Nico had been doing with such a thing. A lump formed in his throat as he thought about it. This was bad. Really bad. 

He frowned as he thought, checking off the symptoms in his head. Will was a medic. Granted, he was better at the physical aspect - broken bones, sprains, that kind of thing - but that didn't mean he couldn't recognise the signs of something more psychological if he needed to. 

Nico was very self-conscious; Will knew that. If this blade was what Will thought it was... that was when he realised he'd never seen his boyfriend's bear arms, at least, not since he'd had to heal the injuries from Lycaon after the war with the giants. And, even then, Nico had been incredibly hesitant to let Will look at him. 

Over the winter, of course, it was to be expected. Nico looked good in his aviator's jacket and Will thought nothing of it when the boy wore it all the time. 

But, it was nearly summer now and Will still couldn't think of a time when he'd seen Nico's arms _not_ covered up. Shit, shit, shit. 

He dropped the blade back into the bin and left the cabin. He was now officially panicking; he could feel his breathing and heart rate picking up and fought hard with himself to keep his 'doctor's head' firm in place. He really couldn't afford to let his emotions take over right now. 

Will sprinted back over to his four friends. He hadn't realised how long he'd been in the Hades' cabin. It was now about one in the afternoon; the sun was high up in the sky, sending burning heat down on all of them. They weren't still by the lake, but he'd spotted them almost instantly by the arena talking with a couple of Ares and Hermes campers. 

"Please, please tell me you've seen Nico," Will said before he was even in front of them. 

Almost automatically, Jason, Annabeth, Percy and Piper moved away from the others. Will was panting a little from the run (and from the now deep, inset panic). 

"Sorry, Will, no," said Annabeth with a sheepish smile. 

"Fuck!" 

"Language, Solace," said Jason. Will glared at him, then immediately regretted it when he noticed the worry on all four of their faces. "We'll help you look. He could be hurt or - oh, gods, is he okay?" Jason's voice seemed to rise an octave as he was speaking and his nerves increased. 

Will sighed in worry. "I don't think so." He felt tears prickling in his eyes and Annabeth gently brought him in for another hug. "I'll find him. I'll talk to him. He'll be okay, eventually, I promise." 

Piper smiled comfortingly. 

"Thanks, guys. I'll see you later." 

With that, Will left. Next place to look: the forest. He knew that Nico liked the shadows. They seemed to comfort him. 

As he ventured deeper, the clusters of trees got closer together and more dense, like they were trying to trap him in the forest forever. Will could feel his breathing picking up again as the distance between the trees got smaller and smaller, the branches and leaves getting thicker and thicker around him. They were surrounding him, getting closer, enveloping him in darkness and panic. He clenched his fists tightly, his fingernails digging into his palms, and tried without success to calm himself down. 

"Nico?" he called out. 

The shadows were so dark and the whole place was so overwhelming he had no idea where he was anymore. He could swear he was about to start seeing double - if he could see, at all, of course. Will was starting to feel dizzy and now knew he had to get out of there. His only hope was if Nico was somewhere, preferably somewhere close by. 

"Nico? Please? Are you here?" he said, hating how wobbly his voice had started to sound. 

************

When Nico heard his boyfriend's panicked voice, he tensed. Will was close. Very close; almost right behind him. Nico knew he wasn't ready to face him. He couldn't tell him yet. He was sure Will would judge him, or laugh at him or maybe even break up with him. Nico knew he was being stupid, or maybe Will would think he was doing it for attention or sympathy. But Will was so annoyingly persistent it was impossible to ignore him. 

"Nico? Please? Are you here?" he heard. Nico noticed the strange wobble to his voice. 

He said nothing as the rustling noise from behind him came closer. Nico could see Will coming towards him and he hated seeing the expression on his face. At first, he wasn't sure what the look was, but as the boy crept closer and called out again, Nico realised: it was fear. 

"Neeks? Please tell me your here," said Will. Nico took another note of the shakiness in his voice. He could hear his boyfriend's fast-paced but ragged breathing. "Nico. Would, erm... would now be a - a good time to mention I'm kinda, maybe very scared of the dark?" 

Nico sat up, an anxious frown on his face. His boyfriend was in trouble. Will needed him. 

"Okay... maybe very scared doesn't quite cover it... I'm kinda - erm - let's say terrified... Please, Nico, if you're there... oh, shit, if you're not here... oh, fuck." 

Without a thought, the other boy stood up from the forest floor, having to hold the trunk of a nearby tree while he caught his breath and tried to stop himself from fainting. He then rushed to Will's side and, with only the smallest, tiniest hesitation, took his hand. 

Will cried out. His hand jerked away and his eyes looked around in fright, but Nico realised that he just couldn't see anything. Absolute panic was etched on his gorgeous features - shit, Nico, he thought, you really shouldn't be thinking about that now. 

"Will, it - it's me," he said. "It's me, Nico. I'm gonna shadow-travel you back to my cabin, okay?" 

He could see Will was about to protest so added, "I know it's not good for me, but I want you to be okay. And it's the quickest way to get you out of here." 

Will just nodded. 

"Oh, gods, you idiot," Nico continued to mutter. "Why did you come after me?" 

Will was still breathing in short, panicked breaths. Nico said nothing else, just took his hand, ignoring the thoughts of disgust at himself that were whizzing through his head, and ran into the closest shadow, pulling the other boy after him. 

Darkness swam around them and Nico could feel Will's hands shaking. He squeezed his freezing fingers, trying his best to comfort him, and Will squeezed tightly back. 

The two boys appeared in the Hades cabin a few seconds later, and Nico sat Will down on his bed. He stood in front of him a little awkwardly, not sure how to help the other boy. 

Luckily, Will seemed to calm down almost immediately now they were out of the 'terrifyingly' encasing darkness of the woods. His breathing had slowed and he seemed almost back to normal again. He stood up and was about to put his hand on Nico's shoulder when the latter tensed and stepped back, eyeing Will with something close to fear in his eyes. 

"Sorry," said Will, making Nico instantly feel guilty. 

No normal person hated being touched this much. He was such an idiot. Will had just been literally petrified and all he'd wanted was the tiniest amount of physical affection to comfort him and Nico had been too horrible, too selfish to provide it. He felt awful with himself, looking away from the other boy. 

The real reason Will had been in the forest, trembling and fearful, suddenly came rushing back. Why was everything always Nico's fault? 

************

Will saw the look on his boyfriend's face almost straight away. That anguish. That pure hatred of himself. 

He lowered his hand and took an embarrassed shuffle back. He looked down at the ground, frustrated with himself. His boyfriend had been severely depressed for years and probably wanted to off himself based on those diary entries, and here was Will, freaking out about a little bit of darkness. 

With a sigh, he sat back down on Nico's bed, putting his head in his hands. He sighed again, then felt someone sitting next to him - not close enough to touch, but close enough that he could still feel the warmth. 

"I'm sorry, Neeks," said Will, trying to sound happier than he was and smiling wryly. "I'm so pathetic." 

"You're not pathetic," said the other boy quietly. 

Both boys' eyes were locked on the ground. Will glanced up and saw Nico was quivering. He cursed himself for being so selfish. His boyfriend _needed_ him and all he could do was think about himself and his fears. 

"I am and I'm sorry," said Will. He continued before Nico could interrupt: "But you're more important, at the moment. Neeks, talk to me, please." 

Nico didn't look up from the floor, but his legs came up and he hugged them tightly against his chest. Will had to fight to not hug him or at least put an arm around his shoulders. 

"There's nothing to talk about," mumbled Nico. 

Will took a deep breath before he replied. "I'm sorry, but, I - err - I saw your diary." 

Nico tensed further at that and shuffled away towards the foot of his bed, his eyes still refusing to look anywhere in Will's direction. The son of Apollo recognised the look on his face and he couldn't help the guilt that wracked at his brain. The feeling that this was his fault. 

"Nico, look at me, please," said Will gently. 

He watched as the other boy's eyes moved. Nico didn't look at him straight away, his eyes darting around the room a little, before finally settling on a point just over Will's right shoulder, a few centimetres from his face. 

"Neeks... you need to listen to me, okay?" 

Nico nodded, ducking his head, but Will knew he would listen to him. 

"I'm sorry about reading your notebook, and I promise I'll never do it again. But, and, I know this doesn't excuse it, but I was worried about you. _Really_ worried. I care about you, Neeks. I care about you and I was worried." 

"Why?" His voice was small and almost inaudible. 

"Why what?" asked Will softly. 

"Why do you care?" 

Nico sounded so numb that Will could have sworn he felt his heart break. He almost couldn't believe his boyfriend had asked that question. 

"You matter to me, Nico. You matter so much. To me, to Hazel, to all of us." 

"That's not true and you know it." 

Will sighed in frustration. He wanted to grab the other boy by the shoulders, or shout at him, anything to try and force him to believe him, but he knew that wouldn't help. With someone like Nico he had to be patient and insistent. 

"And why would I lie to you?" 

He took Nico's silence as a small success, then stood up from the bed. He turned to face the other boy and held out his right hand, palm upwards. 

"Now, I want to see your wrist please," he said, switching to his calmer, less emotional, but gentle doctor's voice. 

Nico seemed to pale even more, if that was possible, at that. He didn't move. Neither did Will. He wasn't about to force Nico to show him, but the son of Hades's hesitation was enough to confirm what Will had been thinking. 

"Nico," he said, sterner than before. 

With a glare directed at his boyfriend, Nico did as he was told, nibbling on his lower lip and not meeting Will's gaze. 

"I'm going to need you to take your jacket off," said Will, ignoring the look from the other boy. 

When his aviator's jacket was off and crumpled in a small heap on the floor, Nico sat back on the bed, his arm tucked to his chest. He was obviously very reluctant to let Will see the damage so the latter knew he had to tread carefully. He was desperate, wanting more than anything, for Nico to trust him wholeheartedly, and to him, this felt almost like an initiation or test. His reaction and how he handled this could determine whether Nico trusted him with anything else again. 

Carefully, like he was approaching a frightened animal, he held out his hand again, edging it closer to Nico. He let the other boy move the final few millimetres so his wrist was in the doctor's hand, palm up. 

************

Nico heard his gasp, whether Will had let it out intentionally or not. He stared stubbornly at the floor of the cabin, refusing to look up and see the look of disgust on his boyfriend's face. He felt the tsunami of shame flooding through him and couldn't hold back the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes. 

He flinched when Will re-positioned his arm and pain shot through his body. Even then, however, he still didn't look up. He didn't think he could bear to see the expression on Will's face. He knew what he'd see, and knowing what it looked like was enough; he didn't need to _actually_ see it. 

"Oh, gods, Neeks," murmured Will after what felt like a lifetime of silence, but was probably, in reality, just a few seconds. He sighed, then said, "Right, I'm gonna have to get some bandages and things from the infirmary, okay?" 

Nico just nodded again. 

"You could come with me, or stay. Up to you." 

"Stay." 

Will took a deep breath. "Okay, but promise me you won't go running off again. These cuts are deep and I'd hate for them to get infected. I need to clean and bandage you up as soon as possible." 

Nico only nodded. 

"Swear it on the Styx. Swear you won't run." 

"I won't run. I promise." When Will just raised his eyebrows and looked at him sternly, Nico mumbled, "I swear on the Styx that I won't run." 

Will seemed satisfied as a couple of seconds later, he'd left. 

************

He'd barely been able to believe what he'd seen. When Will had looked over the other boy's pale, skinny wrist, he'd seen tens, maybe more, of scars. Some were clearly years old, the newest, only days. Devastated wasn't a strong enough word to describe how he'd felt. Nico had been suffering through this for years, by himself. It was a miracle he was still sane. This only made Will admire him more. 

He sprinted all the way to the infirmary in the Big House, to arrive and see one of his younger sisters, Daisy, healing an older Hephaestus camper. He'd badly burned himself in the forges or something. Will didn't have time to stop and she didn't question him as he rummaged through the supply cupboard for a second then left, just as quickly as he'd arrived, without a word. 

When he got back to the Hades cabin, Nico hadn't moved a muscle. He sat there, staring straight ahead, like a statue or ghost. He didn't even acknowledge Will's presence, simply holding out his arm and staring resolutely at the ground when Will held out his hand. 

"Sorry," said Will not long later when Nico had flinched. He was cleaning the most recent cuts with a wipe, making sure they weren't infected and were healing properly. Nico still hadn't said a word. "I'm going to bandage you up now, okay?" 

Nico just nodded. 

Once he was done, he packed away the supplies in the bathroom. "I'll leave them here, just in case... you know..." 

Nico still said nothing and Will went over to sit on the bed next to him. 

"What you wrote... your last entry... it - it wasn't true, was it?" Will asked. It was a stupid question. Of course it was true. Why would he write something that wasn't?

He got his answer when Nico still said nothing. When he looked over, he saw there were silent tears rolling down the son of Hades's cheeks. Will wanted nothing more than to hug him. 

"Nico... can I touch you?" he asked. 

He had to admit, he was surprised when he got a nod in response. 

Tentatively, Will put his right arm around Nico's shoulders and when he leaned in to the touch, only tensing ever-so-slightly, Will just held him tighter. He squeezed and brought his other arm around his boyfriend's back, letting him cry on his shoulder. He felt a surge of happiness, like he was practically glowing, when Nico still didn't pull away and seemed to even relax. 

"Nico, listen to me," Will said, pulling out of the hug after a minute and holding the other boy's shoulders firmly so he could force him to look at him, even if it wasn't directly in the eyes. "I care about you. We all care about you. And, if you ever feel like this or - you know - ever again, please come and talk to me. I couldn't stand not knowing if you were okay today. You scared me. Even more than those bloody shadows in that forest." 

He couldn't help grinning when he saw Nico's smirk. 

"Promise you'll talk to me, Neeks?" 

Nico nodded. 

"Good. Everyone was so worried. You should've seen Jason's face." Nico smirked again. "I swear on the Styx, we all care about you. You're loved and don't let anyone, even yourself, convince you otherwise." 

Will brought the other boy in for another hug, holding him tightly, like he was afraid he'd disappear. 

"I understand you've been through a lot. Trust me, I know. And I understand it's hard. But, it'll get easier. If you open up to us, talk to us, we can help. That's all I want to do. I just want to help, Neeks. Please, trust me. I'm here for you. We all are. We're here for you no matter what." 

"You're such a dork," mumbled Nico into Will's shoulder. "A cheesy dork." 

Will just laughed. "And you're a nerd." 

Then Nico did something Will never thought he would - he hugged him back. Will pulled him even closer, squeezing and Nico did just the same. 

"Thank you," he whispered. 

Will just smiled. 

There was a small, shaky breath from the other boy before he said, very hesitantly, "I - I love you." 

Will's smile grew even wider. "I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a lot worse than the others and that ending is soooooo cheesy, but I didn't really know how to write it. I knew what I wanted to happen, but I just couldn't word it properly, you know. I promise I'll edit it (at some point in the future) and make it better.

**Author's Note:**

> If you relate to any of the suicide/self-harm angsty things, that is not okay or normal and please, please get help if it's serious. 
> 
> UK: search up Childline, you can talk (ring or online chat) to a counsellor anonymously, the website has lots of info too **OR** text 'shout' to 85258 to text with a counsellor **OR** check out the YoungMinds website **OR** a suicide hotline, in emergencies: 116 123 **AND** the NHS website has a long list of hotlines for different scenarios **OR** call 999 if your life is in danger
> 
> USA: national suicide prevention lifeline: 1 800 273 **OR** check out mental health websites like Mind etc **OR** call 911 if your life is in severe danger and it's an emergency
> 
> AUSTRALIA: check out the Lifeline website, call 13 11 14, or talk to someone **OR** call 000 if your life is in danger 
> 
> As you can probably tell, I'm from the UK, but I care about everyone so please research local places to get help or talk to someone if you need it. Even just talking to a trusted friend or adult can help and, although I'm not a professional, you may message me about anything. You have to realise many people aren't trained professionals and if you could be in danger, there are people you can talk to. You are loved, I promise <3 <3


End file.
